5 good hearts with a comma…

This morning, I realized for the umpteenth time that I am upset about a matter. I’m on that journey where I’m really trying to address and then let go of nagging feelings that I don’t have answers to or haven’t found one for. So, I decided to trace the problem and it turns out my grievance is with how I cant seem to get past how a person treated me badly (and others) and got away with it. And also how that person can be considered a bad human by me and a good human by others; all at the same time.

And once again, I realized, its because no one is a bad person. we are all good hearts with a comma.

This is how I arrived at my “5 good hearts with a comma” tittle. Let me tell you more. There’s the:

1. Schemer with a good heart a.k.a Hypocrite.
2. Timid with a good heart a.k.a Useless.
3. Loud with a good heart a.k.a Lost.
4. Cold with a good heart a.ka Empty and
5. Empathic with a good heart a.k.a Soul.

A perspective rundown of them will go like this.

The schemer with a good heart- This is your typical selfish person. The Me and Mine type of person. They are the only priority in truth and in lies, for justice and fairness, they and theirs; always. God save you if your are not considered to be “one of our own” in their books. The schemer thinks good things should happen to them first, then others can have the rest (that’s after they have double checked the “rest” isn’t useful to them). The Schemer doesn’t want bad things to happen, no, they don’t. Lets keep in mind no one is a bad person. Its just that, to the schemer, less than good things can happen to others (except their own) as long they are safe; first and unquestionably. They are also always right. This is because to them, you cant be wrong when you’re looking out for yourself right, wrong! If the looking out is not correcting an anomaly and or detrimental to others, then its wrong. They usually have an excuse for doing something bad. The person deserved it, or the person isn’t one of us, so its ok. Their superiority complex nature makes it easy to forget that others have feelings too.

The schemer is usually only overjoyed when they or one of theirs’ wins. To them, its like I told you, I am/We are the only worthy ones, others just get lucky. It kills them to see you enjoy what they don't have or cant seem to get/receive. So they downplay that part of your existence they cant relate to and act like its nothing and you’re just “overdoing”. Meanwhile, they want to live it so bad that they start to tell themselves you don't deserve it but they are the ones who do in your stead. They also do good things with the intention that they reap from it. Be with someone because it helps them climb the social ladder not because they care about them. Give to the people/needy so that they are perceived as nice. You get the picture.

The schemer unfortunately also cant enjoy their own existence. This is because, even if they aren’t bad people, they cant really sit still to wrap themselves around the good that life has given them; depriving themselves and others of pure bliss (not the wafer). They are usually on the look out to showcase how fabulous they are and don’t care if they added a little lie here or a grand tale there. The mind of the schemer is forever tinkering and double checking because they are trying to get it all (and sadly, usually at the expense of others).

The reason I believe the schemer with a good heart is a hypocrite is because, they can mean well, its just not that well. They are not whole in their goodness, there’s a catch to their niceness and this usually stains things.

what feeds this sort of heart — discontentment, fear, lack of purpose.

what this sort of heart needs — self-acceptance, doing more for others without needing to be thanked or showered with accolades, reassurance from loved ones.

what this sort of heart should practice more —Doing more of no strings attached kind of goodness. Accepting they aren't better than others and acknowledging the awesomeness in other people even when its the one thing they wish for themselves.

The timid with a good heart -Being shy and not minding to blend into the crowd isn't a bad thing, but when it stops you from showing up, standing up, and speaking up, (I got this line from my High School Sunday School Teacher; Brother Munir), then there’s a problem. Especially when its keeping you from speaking against bad things or worse, doing good. The timid good heart thinks “I'm just minding my business, I don't want stress”. Well let me tell you something, it takes not minding your business to rush to the aid of someone who is being abused on the sidewalk while you walk by and it could be stressful to go visit your ill neighbour after work or during the weekend. Not doing anything in both cases is less than good, not bad; just less than good. The timid good heart doesn't necessarily go out of their way to do bad things, but bad things happen when they don't do the right thing. And there lies the problem, so, what’s it gon’ be?.

The timid good heart just wants a straight-line life, but life isn't straight. You have to work for things, especially to bring them to fruition. It’s not that they are ok when their lack of vigor leads to bad things, they are not. In fact it depresses them. They just don't know how to be more helpful or how to take action. They want to stand up to the bully, but they don't know how to or be quick to think its no use anyways. They truly want to go visit their ill neighbour but instead they are spending their emotional energy coursing at the illness that's causing them to have to go visit their neighbour in the first place .What the timid heart wishes for is that good intentions are enough, but sadly they aren't. It is said that actions speak louder than words, in the case of a timid good heart, its actions speak louder than intentions.

The reason I believe the timid with a good heart is useless is because, efforts brings results. If something needs to be done, it has to be done, period. The opposite of this means nothing. And as Brandy said, almost doesn’t count.

what feeds this sort of heart — solitude, not being heard/seen by loved ones, anger/confusion.

what this sort of heart needs — being with their genuine loved ones, speaking and sharing their opinions more often, courage to do what’s right.

what this sort of heart should practice more — doing one thing that scares them once in a while (it opens them up),self assurance; what yorubas will call-ki ara e laya: self boosting and remembering how it feels to do good. Not to boast about it, but to remind themselves of the sweetness that comes with using their good heart.

The loud with a good heart- Have you ever been on a rollercoaster? In a dance club? or be in your mind when you’re raging mad and trying to calm yourself down, hearing the blood rush through your veins and your ears ringing? That's how I perceive the loud good heart. A heart not given the chance to settle down and do that good they are so capable of.

You know how you have mutual friends and one of you complains about how brash one is and the others be like yeah he/she is tripping but “they don't mean it”. That's the loud good heart. They don't mean to be rude or mean or dismissive or condescending, but they are all these things. They have lived a life of little or no consequences for their fall-out actions (because they get away with the “I didn't mean it” part), they’re unable to process the truth. Coupled with the fact that they totally hate to assess and feel their emotions. Their actions are usually based on how they feel at that time or who they are with. So, they know they shouldn't do x but they cant really commit themselves to doing the pros and cons and stick to it; they therefore proceed to do x and deal with the consequences later. Well not really, as they are already on to the next.

They are also easily influenced by popularity and running with the crowd. However, the loud good heart doesn’t wish you were down and bum, they don’t want what you have and if they do, they’d just go get it, they want everyone to win, they will fight and win a bully and they will say a good word to you when you need one. They can be very caring, goal setting and smashing when they are calm and allow themselves to- think!

In more cases than one, the loud good heart actually hurts themselves more than others. Their inability to find stillness in their mind due to the constant hustling and bustling of emotions that they wont feel before they react so fast causes them to be on the edge most of the time. Its either sleep or constant activity. They’re easily bored too. They don’t usually reflect on their own actions and they can be very judgmental of others (however fleeting because another emotion has taken over pronto!). Meditation will drive them crazy and being on a high is just the norm. The high of new friends, the high of alcohol or other types of intoxicants, the high of emotions; excessive laughter, constant chatter/gist etc.

The reason I believe the loud good heart is lost is because they are not settled. All that noise, all the clutter, all the loose ends… too many things going on. So they keep walking, moving and not stopping to check the map, the compass, the path. And so, they miss the good turns and may occasionally follow the bad routes.

what feeds this sort of heart — lack of source (call it God, a firm parental figure, an emotionally stable mind), fake friends/family, meaningless activities.

what this sort of heart needs — a source, genuine friends and family, alone time as often as needed, taking a breather from the clutter of their minds and environs.

what this sort of heart should practice more — connecting with a source (prayers, reading, meditation), telling themselves the truth as often as possible, being with genuine friends and family who call them out on their bullshit but still remind them they are the best thing since sewing machines.

I’d stop here and continue with the other two good hearts later.

Thank you for reading.

Hiii, I am up at 3.58 am this Tuesday morning because, I slept early and my body wont take the extra time; imagine that! lol.

So, I’d continue with the next good heart with a comma;

The cold with a good heart- It really hurts to write my thoughts about this good heart because damn, trauma made them like so. The cold with a good heart aka Empty didn’t just get wake up to be detached and distant, they slipped into it like the first wisps of harmattan air, leaving you wondering; how did I get here?!

The cold good heart sees emotions as these bothersome, contagious, -always appearing when you cant handle them kind of -trouble. So they block them and try their best to kill them off. They are no good anyways. Always murkin’ things up and you hardly ever find a solution. In most cases you have to live with them, please no! :(. So, they take this soggy blanket and drape it on everything, and I mean Everything.

I read a book (I still read it anytime I get the chance); Emotional Agility by Dr. Susan David. In it, she explains a loooot, (you should read it; so much unpacking!). One of her clarifying inferences was that; care givers (usually parents and or relatives whom kids had to live with in their formative years) have a lot to answer to for how these kids thrive as an adult. And that’s the the case of the cold good heart. They have lived with the inability to express their emotions due to being misunderstood as a child, unloved in their peculiarities and not having the platform to just be; that they grew up unempathic, unable to process emotions except for banal ones such as hunger=eat , horny=sex , anger=shout; you get the picture. They cant really self regulate too. Emotions mean weighing feelings and reactions and they are kind of ill equipped to do that. The cold good heart just doesn’t bother with much. Most feelings will get the same reaction; borderline abandonment and burial. The cold good heart is usually named the psycho friend whom you don’t really get how they are so good at being detached and precise.

The cold good heart has similar characteristics to the good timid heart but the major difference is that they. just. don’t. care/cant. be. bothered. by. much. The timid good heart still feels a flutter of regret for not doing the right thing but the cold good heart wont miss beat. They are the type to see a dirt beat beggar asking for money and walk right past without giving them a second thought nor dropping a coin for them even if they had some change. Its not the dropping a coin part that's hard, its the non-existing emotional feel of seeing a fellow human rundown and in need. Do you get what I’m saying?

So, why is the cold heart good? Because, all hearts are good, “something” just happened along the way. And in this case, the cold good heart got the worse part of it. Most emotionally impoverished kids can turn out to be any of the above named good hearts with a comma, but the most badly hit is the cold good heart. When their care givers were supposed to be marinating them in love and attention and validation, they were picking them apart and suffocating them with so much hurt that their little minds couldn’t grow nor thrive. So you see, they don't have (much), so they cant really give.

The good thing (except in really extreme cases i.e. real psycho and sociopaths) is that the empty good heart can still live a normal life that entails managing their own feelings (sight it, lock it away, bury it, or try therapy then rinse and repeat), definitely not meddling with other peoples’ feelings (they cant really give advises; they usually just say, do whatever you want), not looking to stay in a situation that entails having to manage their emotions and that of others (A steady hierarchical job, a partnership (marriage, business etc.) and having kids scare them a lot because of their own childhood traumas. In my opinion, if all a cold good heart does is live a life that allows them navigate this world by taking care of themselves and not hurting anyone in the process, then; they have done fine.

The reason I believe the cold good heart is empty is because *wipes tears* they miss out on so much! And for what? Because of a misguided parent or care giver? Its so unfair. All the love and awe and incredible things in this world that cant be appreciated without that tingling feeling of excitement, that flutter of butterflies in your tummy, that joy that makes you giggle uncontrollably, how you can feel like the world stopped spinning for a minute because of that warm hug…sigh. The sheer emptiness is profound.

what feeds this sort of heart — solitude, the continual lack of injustice in this world, unrepentant abusers.

what this sort of heart needs — therapy, a good friend or two who takes them as they are, a hobby that makes them money. (This improves their ability to connect with people, makes them feel validated while also being rewarding. They need all of these in large doses).

what this sort of heart should practice more — therapy sessions, giving into their innate feelings of kindness instead of brushing it off as “no need” and just taking one day as it comes, trusting that they are doing fine.

Hello! I am back to writing the last part of this heart “series”, months after I started it and boy, am I glad. I think I am going to split the write up and have each “heart” be a stand alone. The next and last heart is the *drum rooollllll*

The empathic with a good heart a.k.a Soul- I don't suppose I need to deep dive into this heart before you get an understanding of it, but I’d like to explain what the combination of the words mean to me. The empathic with a good heart is a heart that is basically good, that has the drive and lofty goals to do/be better by being empathic (amongst other amazing traits) thereby evolving into a soul; a complete entity that is elevated, beats and exists above the normal levels of the general conditions of a heart.

I must confess that, I have someone in mind while I write about this particular good heart. I have known her since I was 8 years old and my feelings for her and about her have never changed. She is still that giggly, smiling, accommodating, open, truthful little girl even as we are now in our thirties, and I am so grateful to know her and be her friend. I decided to share what an empathic good heart is to me instead of an abstract description like I did for the others. And this is because, while we can generally perceive and work through peoples’ actions towards us (good or bad), we can also generally forget or move on from these emotions as time goes on. However, what stays, settles and is rarely forgotten are the soft, happy and beautiful feelings we felt and still feel years on.

So, here’s my story about a friend, lets call her O. One afternoon, while at O’s place, we decided to visit another friend of ours whom I met through O as a new kid in primary school and whose house I had never been. When we got to the entrance of the compound, O turns to me and says, “don't act surprised, her dad’s the security guard of the compound”. O is usually chirpy and excited when she’s talking about anything really, but this time, she’s serious. I said ok and we entered into the compound, had a lovely, happy and chatty visit with our friend, untainted by any less than joyous feeling.

This incident happened about 25 years ago but it never, ever left me. The sheer love and empathy is just beautiful. We were eight years old! As a young kid, O didn't have to think about how this other friend of ours would feel if I acted surprised, but she did. And dare I say, I would have been surprised. Not from a condescending point of view, but a truly curious view because I wasn't expecting that her dad would be the security guard of the compound or that their house was so small we would have to sit outside in the open for the duration of the visit. This wasn’t what I was used to and even as I wouldn’t have verbally reacted, my body language would have shown my surprise and that’s what O didn’t want me to do; show my surprise! If the heart of an eight year old was that empathic, then that heart has the drive and lofty goal to be/do better in order to ensure that it evolves into a soul; a complete entity that is elevated, beats and exists above the normal levels of the general conditions of a heart.

The general conditions of the heart are; being erratic, fleeting, undecided amongst other unstable and dynamic feelings. Actions that can result from these sort of feelings are; lashing out, heedlessness, selfishness etc. Now, when a basically good heart, elevates, beats and exists above the normal levels of the general conditions of a heart, the resulting actions will be, kindness, good speech, mindfulness, and an overall regulation of emotions. And this is when a soul is made. What’s the catalyst for this process; yep, you called it, its empathy.

Empathy is what makes a soul. It is the grease that oils the machines of a good heart and keeps it beating and elevated above the normal levels of the general conditions of a heart. Empathy is consideration for and kindness to another heart irrespective of any parameter, any. Empathy is what makes you see things for what they are and choosing to create a path that allows you balance what is and what can be. For empathy to take root, it must be exercised, over and over and over again until the heart knows no other form of expression. And its best planted when the soil of the heart is still fresh and uncontaminated, when a person is young and malleable. So that my friend O wouldn’t have had to tell me not to act surprised before we entered the compound; I should have known and we would have been on the same page.

The empathic with a good heart as a whole heart is very rare. As you would have guessed, a normal person would have bits and pieces of every other heart mentioned above without necessarily being the whole of that particular heart. However, the empathic good heart aka soul heart is whole and devoid of traits of the other hearts. The other heart traits cant co-exist in this kind of heart, which is why they are so rare. You know that person that you feel deep down might be an angel, that’s them.

what feeds this sort of heart — an innate goodness, love for one and all, a desire to be/do better.

what this sort of heart needs — to be protected, need I say more? Affirmative actions, continuous actions that show love and respect for themselves and humanity.

what this sort of heart should practice more — affirmation of choices and actions, regulated doses of the world (so they are not corrupted), teaching others the way no matter how informal it is, sharing the soul.

Thank you for reading.